Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
