I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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