Can i not drive my cunt home
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
