ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
