Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
