remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
