so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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