I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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