He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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