I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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