When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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