mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I can't turn off my feet"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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