This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
