I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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