How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
