i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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