im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
