He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
