When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
