I need to stop coming to work sober
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
