she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I am puke
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I didn't notice because vodka
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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