Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
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Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
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I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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