I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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