you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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