last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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