You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
