I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
