I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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