Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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