I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
