please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
