he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
