k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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