Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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