areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
