I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
