Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
