im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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