I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
