A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
