bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
