whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
