I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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