I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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