I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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