OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
