I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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