i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
