sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
