Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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