so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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