Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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