Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it hurts more in the daytime
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
