Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
