I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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