I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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