Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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