I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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