Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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