For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
sarcasm needs its own font
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
