How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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