When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
