Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
whose parrot is this?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
