They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
