Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
