God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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